The Art of Losing

There’s a quote that says “Losing is essential to anyone’s success. The more you lose, the more you want to win” and this is something I can absolutely vouch for. I’m not sure you can truly appreciate your win until you’ve experienced the heartbreak of losing, and while those who have won first time, every time may argue and say that they do appreciate their win, they’ll never know until they experience the disappointment of not taking the crown.

I don’t think there’s a single pageant girl out there who hasn’t heard the following two phrases:

In pageantry you never lose. You either win or you learn

and

Crowns aren’t made of rhinestones. They’re made of discipline, determination and a hard to find alloy called courage.

Both of these sayings ring so true and boil down to the fact that just because you didn’t take the crown on your first, second or even third attempt, it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. It’s your drive to continue that will be the making of you and that will make your win so much sweeter when it finally happens.

I began competing in 2013 when I was 21 and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. My first couple of competitions were filled with lessons on what NOT to do that I don’t even really count them in my true competitive career. At that point, I didn’t for a second think I’d still be kicking around the scene 7 years later. Even less so with a National crown on my head.

The first time I competed at Miss Galaxy Scotland was when I really felt the competition buzz but not necessarily within myself. I watched as the front runners put everything they had into the title and that’s how I learned what was expected of a finalist. Even up until I stepped off the stage after top 10 results, I was learning all the time. On the weekend of the competition I rocked up to rehearsals with a freshly done spray tan and no makeup on and handed in a hand written appearance folder with black and white pictures printed from the hotel reception. For swim wear I wore a cherry print, frilled bikini with a knotted headband in my hair. Granted these are presentation issues which may only be surface deep, but it mattered and I look back now and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Never-the-less I was having fun in pageant land so I wanted to stick around.

My first taste of “I can do this” came when I placed Top 25 overall and Top 6 in Scotland at the 2014 Miss International/Intercontinental UK finals. That’s when my desire to win really emerged and from that point on I was no longer in it for the funsies or for the experience; I was in it to make a difference and to be part of something special. I was in it to win.

After returning home from a few months out to travel Australia, I worked my tail off for two and a half years to gain that title that had first grabbed my heart – Miss Galaxy Scotland. I completed over 50 appearances each year alongside working full time and ridiculous hours as Cabin Crew. I raised over £6000 for charity and travelled the length and breadth of mainland UK to attend appearances and events held by my fellow finalists. I risked my relationship, my physical and mental health and pushed myself to the limits to ensure that I had done everything in my power to achieve that goal. It didn’t work and I placed 1st runner up two years running. Yes, I know, first runner up is still a massive achievement and I’m so proud of it now but, at the time, it wasn’t the goal. I wondered why I’d bothered sacrificing so much and I still maintain that 1st runner up is possibly the hardest placing to accept mentally because you know you did well, you just didn’t do well enough.

After the 2017 competition, I walked away and decided that pageantry no longer made me happy. It wasn’t fun for me anymore and I didn’t want to be part of it. It seemed thankless and draining and the joy it once brought me had been replaced by duress. I realise now that this, as ridiculous as it sounds, was probably caused by a mild form of heartbreak (don’t get me wrong, I’ve been through real heartbreak more times than I care to count so I know what it is to be truly heartbroken) for the work I’d put in and the changes I’d tried to make within myself to fit a mold that I thought existed. I was pushing the pageant world away in the same way you would push an ex away to get over them.

Almost a year had passed when the opportunity to compete in Miss Inspiration arose. At first I was reluctant and wary. I had begun to find myself again and I was happy so I was scared to slip back into that obsessive state I’d been in when competing previously. Inspiration was, however, a system I’d always had my eye on and one that I’d believed in for a long time so I took the plunge and went for it. I only had 4 weeks to prepare but in the space of 2 I had found my love for the industry again.

I learned from my previous mistakes of working myself into the ground and so I paced myself when it came to appearances and said no when I had to. I didn’t break the bank and re-wore my evening gown from Galaxy 2017 because I adored it and it no longer mattered to me that it had already been seen on the biggest pageant stage in the UK, as long as I felt good in it. I didn’t beat myself up if I didn’t hit the fundraising target I had set myself because the £110 I did raise was £110 more than the charity had before. I did what was right for ME and no one else and it paid off. I walked away from that weekend as Miss Inspiration UK 2018 and with a completely new outlook and attitude towards competing. Since that night, I haven’t looked back and I have actively practised a lot more self-care in both my work as a finalist but also in my reigns as a Queen.

I am so thankful for every knock back I have had because it has helped me understand myself more and, in doing so, I’ve achieved 2 of my dream titles. Had I won Miss Galaxy Scotland back in 2016 which was the first year I had really put my heart and soul into it, I can hand on heart say I would not be where I am today. For a start, I may not have my best friend (who won that year) by my side because my journey as a 2017 finalist and as her first runner up brought us so much closer; but also I wouldn’t have learned that I am enough as myself. “Losing” shows you how much you really want something and proves whether or not you deserve it based on how you respond. I’m not saying you need to be happy about it – of course everyone’s initial reaction to a loss is disappointment and upset – but I am saying you should be gracious and learn from it. Go and cry in your room if you have to, but then take a deep breath, brush it off and pick it up.

Life is filled with knock backs, let downs and disappointments but you can’t allow those things to hold you back from something you want and that you know in your heart you can achieve. You just need to have the tenacity to continue and prove why you’re the right fit. I would give anything to be able to go back and tap 21 year old Freya on the shoulder and say “girl it’s ok, you ARE going to get there. Just trust the journey”. Even if things don’t go the way you planned, those losses will lead you to where you’re supposed to be.

I’ll leave you with something that our Goddess, Holly, said to us at the UK Power Pageant finals last year (and I can’t remember word for word so I’m paraphrasing):

I didn’t win the title I wanted and I don’t know what it’s like to have that winning moment...

...but I’m ok!

I actually welled up when she said this because I felt it. She really is OK! And so will you be despite any crown that misses your head. Holly is a shining example that everything really does happen for a reason because the ripple effect that this woman has caused has impacted literally thousands of lives; and had she won Miss England back then, can we really guarantee that we would all be sitting in the positions that we are today?

Don’t give up on those dreams girlies. You will get there! Maybe not in the way or time frame you expected but you will get there. Besides, that best experiences are always the unplanned ones right?